Maeve.

I hear my name being called out over and over again but it’s muddled; almost like someone is calling me from underwater. I press on my eyes with the heels of my palms and squeeze them closed tightly, colorful stars begin bursting underneath my eyelids. Music is pounding through the walls so loudly that I can feel the bass underneath my body. I don’t know how long I’ve been here, I’ve lost track of time. I hear my name being called again. I rub my eyes, sending more stars shooting across my vision. “Maeve? Maeve, I need to know if you’re okay?” The voice feels so far away, the music is almost swallowing the sound. My head feels so heavy as it lays in my hands. Could I fall asleep here? The humming vibration of the bass is lulling me into a trance. And then the voice breaks again, “Maeve, if you don’t answer me, you leave me no choice but to get someone bigger and stronger to bust the door open or…something.” Who is that? It’s not…him is it? Did he come here to find me? Maybe he changed his mind about us. Maybe he’s come to take me back and all will be right in the world again. “Maeve Margaret, seriously, this is your last chance. I’m getting freaked out. Unlock the door.”

Maeve Margaret.

Oh my god, the voice belongs to Daphne. My neck snaps my head out of my hands, sobering  me into reality. I’m on the floor, in a dark stall of a public restroom, and I’m covered in glitter. Everything is just slightly tilted off the earth’s axis. “Daphne! I’m here,” I barely manage to force out the words. “I’m okay. I’m just sitting on the ground.” I hear a disgusted gasp from the other side of the stall. She’s not wrong. I should be absolutely repulsed at myself for sitting on this wet sticky concrete floor next to a toilet. On any other day, in any other circumstance, this would not be okay. But tonight? Tonight I’d curl up and make this germ infested science experiment my home. I crawl over to the door and slide open the lock and light floods into the tiny space. I look up to see my best friend Daphne standing over me with her arms crossed. “I don’t even know what to say to you right now.” I shield my eyes with my hands and try to muster a smile, “Probably something like, ‘you’ve never looked better?’ or ‘I don’t know what Kyle was thinking breaking up with you because you’re clearly very stable and secure?’” Daphne sighs and crouches down to meet me. “Babe, my dear, love of my life. You need to get up off this bathroom floor right now. No man is worth picking up a disease from a toilet at a bar. And remember, love is a lie anyway.”

I roll my eyes and wobble to my feet, using the toilet paper roll to steady myself. “Love is real, Daphne. And I had it. I felt it. It was everything. And now look at me. Now I’m destined to be a cat woman spinster for the rest of my days because I’ll never find anyone or anything as good.”

“Wow, okay first of all, you’re literally 27 with so much life ahead of you. Secondly, we can be cat loving spinsters together. I personally think that sounds like a hell of a good time.”

I grab my purse from the hook on the door and turn to find Daphne holding out hand sanitizer, “Use this and then wash your hands in the sink. And your arms too, all the way up to your elbows. Sing the entirety of ‘My Heart Will Go On” and then repeat.” She pauses and places her hand gently on my shoulder,  “And Maeve? I know this is really hard. And it feels like the end of everything. But I know how resilient you are and you’re going to be okay. Do you believe me?”
I don’t believe her. I don’t see a world in which I will ever be okay again. Two weeks ago on an average Wednesday, the man I was planning on growing old with told me he didn’t see a future with me. His words took my mundane Wednesday and turned it into a hellscape of chaos. My heart was pulled out of my chest and torn to shreds by the very person I had trusted to hold and care for it. It feels like a blur when I try to recall the exact moment he started his stupid speech. I see it happening almost like a stop motion film. 

Kyle and I were together for 8 months and to have it all come to a screeching halt in a blink of an eye is nothing short of a romantic travesty. We had just moved in together. Everything was going so well. I had written us a happily ever after and tied it with a white silky bow. Our future children had names, our dream home had been designed and there was an ornate iron bench under the oak tree in our future yard, dedicated to our 70 years of love and laughter. Then out of nowhere, sitting on our couch, he opened his mouth and set fire to all of it. And now here I am, days later standing in this god forsaken bathroom still engulfed in flames. 

“Maeve, my girl? You still with me? I said, ‘Do you believe me that you’re going to be okay?’” I feel Daphne's hand squeeze my shoulder. I look at her face, it’s painted with strokes of pity and compassion. “Oh. Yeah, I … um... I believe you.” She smiles.

“Well that was a very cute attempt at lying but I know you better than that. And it’s okay. Because you’re allowed to feel shitty right now. But I really need you to wash your hands so you’re not like,” she waves her hand in a circle in front of me, “physically shitty.” I fake a laugh and shudder remembering how filthy my hands are. “Clean up and I’m going to go back out there to let everyone know I found you.” The door swings closed and I’m alone again. The cold water from the sink flows over my hands and I hesitate before looking up to make eye contact with myself in the mirror. Dear god. My mascara is smeared all over my face down to my chin and my lipstick is smudged up the side of my jaw. “We’ve seen better days, haven’t we?” I say to myself as I add more soap to my hands and begin, “My Heart Will Go On.”